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Why anyone should voluntarily associate day after day with a mob of yelling sticky little brats was beyond him.
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Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
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Never pick up a stray kitten ... unless you've already made up your mind to be owned by it.
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By the time you've sorted out a complicated idea into little steps that even a stupid machine can deal with, you've certainly learned something about it yourself. The teacher usually learns more than the pupil.
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Dishwashers washed tedious dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus saving you the bother of looking at it yourself.
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The phrase 'we (I) (you) simply must —' designates something that need not be done. 'That goes without saying' is a red warning. 'Of course' means you had better check it yourself. These small-change cliches and others like them, when read correctly, are reliable channel markers.
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A fire-eater must eat fire even if he has to kindle it himself.
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In a mature society, 'civil servant' is semantically equal to 'civil master.'
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Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry. N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead!
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Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
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A perfect democracy, a 'warm body' democracy in which every adult may vote and all votes count equally, has no internal feedback for self-correction. It depends solely on the wisdom and self-restraint of citizens ... which is opposed by the folly and lack of self-restraint of other citizens. If you’re in the US, vote. Make good choices, people.
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If you are part of a society that votes, then do so. There may be no candidates and no measures you want to vote for ... but there are certain to be ones you want to vote against. In case of doubt, vote against. By this rule you will rarely go wrong. If this is too blind for your taste, consult some well-meaning fool (there is always one around) and ask his advice. Then vote the other way. This enables you to be a good citizen (if such is your wish) without spending the enormous amount of time on it that truly intelligent exercise of franchise requires.
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The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: 'Of course it is none of my business but —' is to place a period after the word 'but.' Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
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The word 'temporary' ... has elastic qualities of infinite expansion.
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Only Time is universal; Night and Day are merely quaint local customs.
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Never listen to newscasts. Saves wear and tear on the nervous system.
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When an apparent fact runs contrary to logic and common sense, it's obvious that you have failed to interpret the fact correctly.
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Tomorrow I will seven eagles see, a great comet will appear, and voices will speak from whirlwinds foretelling monstrous and fearful things — This Universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on government contract.
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The human mind has an astonishing capacity to adapt; after a while, even the incredible becomes commonplace.
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No punishment I give you will ever be as bad as the punishment you will give yourself if you become a known liar.
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